Thoughts.

I don't really know if I will ever understand myself. Sometimes Love is the most important thing to me, and sometimes I can't even feel it. I just don't think it's okay to feel this way really. How can you love someone and still be sexually attracted to other people. And why is it when I think of women, men turn me off, but when I think of a particular man I'd like to get with, for one reason or another (I am bi), girls all of a sudden don't appeal(as much). Why do I despise hypocrites, but allow myself to be one? And, to be repetitive because I can, that is just hypocritical. Why do I allow myself to be so selfish, why don't I have any goals? And I know you aren't supposed to start any sentence with and. Shut up. Too much thought brings inaction. Oddly enough its when I do act and don't think as much, I fuck up. I need to find a good middle ground, but it's proven difficult. I need help. Sometimes I think I'm really Bi-polar or something to that nature. Why haven't I gotten the help? I'm lazy, I don't want to really admit to anyone except a select few I need it, and the idea of being drugged up on things that come with the label "mild sudden death" as a symptom does not appeal to me, even slightly. I like having emotions... more or less, I just don't like that they are not happy all the time.

I've just watched Love Actually, again(I've seen it like 10 times). It makes me feel a numerous amount of emotions from the beginning : Sad, Happy, Love is awesome, awkward. I am awkward, almost all the time.



Oh Fuck.

More than two and a half years later.

Love is still better if it is real. I'm not sure, but time will tell. Lust has taken a strange hold and taught me that I'm not ready to fully settle. My heart has had the shit kicked out of it since that post. By friends and others, but mostly by myself. False hopes I gave myself have aged me. I look at pictures from two years ago and feel like it could have been five years ago. I've lost contact with old friends, and only recently, have made new ones. This open relationship feels essential, but I can still feel the jealousy emanating from her. I feel like this world is falling apart at the seems.

I want someone to stare at the stars with again, someone I don't know as well or have been out of contact with. I need to find myself again. The stars say a lot about people. It's more like what the people say about them that teaches me. Always call me crazy. I'm in love but I need my space, I've lost myself in the stress I've allowed to build up, through the lies I've told.

Fall is my favorite time of year, it needs to come sooner. It's funny that fall has come to symbolize death in a way, and yet it is when I feel I love life the most. Breathing the cool air is nothing short of amazing. Fall leaves are beautiful. A night of masks makes it better. Apple picking, rolling down hills, running through a forest, and yet I'd be alone. I don't know too many others who love it the same way I do.

For now I will try to make new friends and catch up with the old. Have a few drinks, listen to good music, sit by a fire, smoke a joint perhaps, laugh, flirt, love, dance, and find myself. Life used to be my lover, I need to get back with it and not push away the things important.

First Real Post.

Sing with me, sing for the year, sing for the laughter...

Dream on. Good song by Aerosmith. When I hear it my head kind of goes into the sex, drugs, and rock n' roll era. Love, protest's, and hippies. The song is like an ectasy to my brain, I don't do drugs, that's what I have music for with out the cost of putting a hole the size of a quarter in my brain. Hippies are fun. Pirates are better but they aren't now like they were so what can I do? I want a ship with a huge mast and sails and a crew, I don't have to be the captain, give me the crows nest and I will be happy. I love the sea, I get sea sick stuck inside on a ship. Give me the air, wind, and water. I'll love it and I'll love you. Fuck Lust being better than love is bull. Lust sure as hell will get you going but, eh, who the fuck cares, things are better with love. Dance like no one is watching, sing like you actually can, if you're excited just let it fucking show, it's the best thing in the world. I want to swim with the dolphins, climb a mountain, look at the world from above and below. Take me to an Irish wedding with the music and dancing, it would be the best. My mind is stuck in a world of fantasy, I am always day dreaming, but I know reality from what I see in my head. Call me Crazy. I feel bad for anyone who has read this, there is no point to it and it is completely random in everyway, no full on thought said or thought. I'm truly a gemini I guess, my world is made up of thought, one on top of the other and I'm always thinking. I'm full of energy and I have a lust for life at this point but I am tied down. Organization is not something I comprehend as much as I try. I like to fuck around, no not literally and not with peoples heads, just fuck around have a good time. No one could ever understand me and I think it is funny when people try to say they know me, or know what I'm thinking because unless I lay it out right in front of their face they are usually dead wrong. I'll let on to people I like. Let's start a revolution. The government is going to fuck us over anyways. But lets not. It'll only turn into a communist's revolution, do we want to be like Russia? No. I told you, no one could ever follow my train of thought and I'm writing it all down, the thoughts I'm just having now, to prove there is no way to understand it.






< this was written in January of 2007, but it would be my first post for this kind of blog, a few views have changed, but its still pretty sound, and I was a little off the rocker, :) >