More than two and a half years later.

Love is still better if it is real. I'm not sure, but time will tell. Lust has taken a strange hold and taught me that I'm not ready to fully settle. My heart has had the shit kicked out of it since that post. By friends and others, but mostly by myself. False hopes I gave myself have aged me. I look at pictures from two years ago and feel like it could have been five years ago. I've lost contact with old friends, and only recently, have made new ones. This open relationship feels essential, but I can still feel the jealousy emanating from her. I feel like this world is falling apart at the seems.

I want someone to stare at the stars with again, someone I don't know as well or have been out of contact with. I need to find myself again. The stars say a lot about people. It's more like what the people say about them that teaches me. Always call me crazy. I'm in love but I need my space, I've lost myself in the stress I've allowed to build up, through the lies I've told.

Fall is my favorite time of year, it needs to come sooner. It's funny that fall has come to symbolize death in a way, and yet it is when I feel I love life the most. Breathing the cool air is nothing short of amazing. Fall leaves are beautiful. A night of masks makes it better. Apple picking, rolling down hills, running through a forest, and yet I'd be alone. I don't know too many others who love it the same way I do.

For now I will try to make new friends and catch up with the old. Have a few drinks, listen to good music, sit by a fire, smoke a joint perhaps, laugh, flirt, love, dance, and find myself. Life used to be my lover, I need to get back with it and not push away the things important.